WHAT THE MOVIES TAUGHT US - PART 2

After nights of intensive research, under the light of nothing but a flickering candle (don't ask why I didn't do this during the day), I have finally dissected enough movies to compile Part 2 of my explanation of the timeless fables we call the movies. So without wasting your time with a (more?) pointless introductory paragraph, which I know you will not even read since the article is a "sequel" and the damn thing is in bullets, I'll get straight to it.

• Kill Bill: Quentin Tarantino's revenge saga, centered around a really vengeful chick that redefined the way men look at women was a cinematic masterpiece that made violence look classier than James Bond's underpants (the classiness of his undies is an educated guess). It was a film that introduced me to the twisted but wonderful world of Tarantino and provided indisputable proof that hell hath no fury like a woman's wrath. Moral of the story? Hotter the chick, more the likelihood of you losing your limbs...among other things. And if you don't remember her name after literally or figuratively screwing her over, and she does, even after spending time in a coma, chances are, her name will be the last thing you hear.

• Fast and Furious Series: Six parts have come out in this series, each more a flight of fancy than the last. They've done a brilliant job in advocating a blatant disregard for road safety, believability and acting skills. But more than anything else, these movies have taught us that gear boxes can have an indeterminable number of gears; if you look like a potato on steroids, chances are, you're bald and that no street race is complete without women's underwear strewn on the road...I guess the lady who took the initiative of magically pulling out her lingerie without taking off her clothes first, will be the one who will really be suffering from a condition of "road rash".

• The Hangover Trilogy: Todd Philip's trilogy introduced us to the crazy world of "The Wolf-pack". Enthusiastic men around the world have tried and failed to emulate their example-one that involves uninhibited use of alcohol and drugs, ridiculously hot females, ridiculously hot before he/she showed her dong shemales, crazy mafia men, animal rights violations, stupidity beyond compare, crazy tattoos, Mike Tyson and a shitload of hair gel. The trilogy educated us in the ways of "partaaay" and underscored the fact that you haven't partied unless you regret it the next day. Moreover, the third installment demonstrated, to moviegoers and film-makers alike, that if the title of the movie does not have anything to do with the movie, it's probably going to suck.

•  Star Wars: Star Wars, in my opinion, is one of the grandest and most original franchises out there. Only George Lucas (or anyone on LSD) could have imagined an entire galaxy-all those planets, people, creatures, cultures, philosophies as so on. Star Wars continues to capture the imagination of movie lovers worldwide and with a final trilogy on the cards, it is all set to go down in cinema history as one of the greatest series of all time. In addition to it's philosophical undertones, Star Wars showed us that human feelings and sensibilities can be found even in the weirdest creatures the universe has to offer. Furthermore, it highlighted the fact that your sentences need not have a coherent structure as long as you have the swag to pull it off. What I would've really liked to see is Yoda take the GMAT. Now would have that been true moment a OFRL.

• Harry Potter: There aren't many people living normal lives, under the age of 30, are not blind/deaf/retarded and not poverty stricken (I realize that this is not an exhaustive list, but I stopped in order to dispel any notions that I am narrow minded, wry and elitist) who have not watched Harry Potter. Like all books that have been made into movies, the Harry Potter series wasn't without its fair share of criticism. But love it or hate it, fact is that this series was one of the crucial ingredients
  (in addition to hormones, acme and "teacher crushes") that went in to making our childhood. It holds a special place in my heart for it is through this series that I experienced true love for the first time ever, in the form of Emma Watson. I took back a number of lessons from the Potter movies, the most important being - there is no such thing as "the friend zone", the soul is to a baddy what the Cayman Islands are to a millionaire, a straw rug has more emotional content than Daniel Radcliffe and a British accent is the shizz.

• The Day After Tomorrow: As a 12 year old kid, I learned this the hard way - do not take movie titles too seriously.

MORAL SCIENCE

"There's no right or wrong. Only the consequence of your actions." 
-Hank Moody. 

Although dear Hank cannot be considered a mascot of morality, practically speaking, he does make sense. For what is "right"? 
Most consider "right" to be that course of action which is acceptable to society. Man is, after all, a social animal and yearns to fit in. But there's an inherent problem with this proposition-society is composed of a bunch of hypocritical douche bags. Look around and you'll find people staring at you with an expression of "what you lookin at?" What I'm trying to say is that people seldom practice what they preach and since people constitute society, one shouldn't expect anyone to return the favor of being "good". Another problem is that what society considers acceptable changes with time and place. This has even been proven scientifically and some claim it to be instrumental to evolution-different species behave the way they do because certain behavioral patterns were found to be optimal for survival. For example, when man realized having sexual relations with one's parents could lead to kids with more issues than Hannah Montana, he decided incest was not cool. So what is considered normal in the present might be far from it in the future and what is bad today might, indeed, be good tomorrow (I'm hoping for the latter). 

Freud proposed that an individual's psyche is ruled by his id, ego and super-ego. The id is that part of your psyche which constitutes your instinct, desire, impulse etc. It is what makes you want to snatch food from the waiter's tray and/or pounce on the hottie seated next to you as you wait for a table, famished, at a restaurant. The ego mediates between the id's desires and reality (situation, surroundings etc.). It's that voice in your head that says "bro, you're in a restaurant, you'll eventually get your food...and you don't have a condom." The super ego keeps a check on the ego and makes sure it does its job. It's the reason why you feel like a dick/bitch for even thinking about pouncing. We're all born, id installed and develop our egos on the way-being shaped by factors like religion, parents, societal norms etc. So psychologically speaking, it's the ego n super ego that keep the good girls from going bad although they're born to be wild. 

Now that we've discussed both the sociological and psychological aspects of our moral compass, we shall direct our attention to some questions pertaining to bad behavior that I'm sure has crossed the mind of every miscreant. 
1. Is it ok to be bad? 
- Of course it is, provided you know your limits. What you should be asking is...
2. How should one be bad?
- Almost every great personality of our time has gone over to the Dark Side at some point. Be it Zuckerberg stealing the idea for Facebook, Jobs dropping LSD or Gandhi beating the missus. But what sets them apart is that they were smart about it. They weighed the pros and cons and made an intelligent decision. Being bad just out of impulse usually leads to castration and/or penal servitude. S. Sreesanth, being a prime example of this. Some, however are just born bad, they are consumed with sin from the moment they claw their way out of their mother's womb. They are what one refers to as "pure evil". Be it Hitler, Saddam, Bin Laden or Vader, these men, to put it mildly, didn't really care about discretion. I do not recommend such behavior for not only does it cause immeasurable pain and suffering, it also makes for one very hateful eulogy. If being bad gets you what you need without really causing much harm to other less sinister individuals, by all means, go ahead. But look before you leap...not that leaping is illegal. 
3. Where does one draw the line? 
- If we were living in utopia, the answer to this question would be "right outside the gates of hell." But since we're not, I'd suggest you ask yourself if it's worth doing whatever evil deed you're planning to do. If the answer is yes, ask yourself "what would Dumbledore do?" If the answer is still positive, knock yourself out. But remember...karma is a bitch. And by "bitch" I don't mean the popular connotation of the word a la "I got bitches in my ride, all you hos step aside." I mean "canine capable of biting you in the ass with a crushing force proportional in magnitude to the severity of your sin." 

Being good your whole life can be extremely boring but is also equally difficult. I do not intend to discourage people out there who are vying for Ms. Congeniality but I implore you to stop kidding yourself. There is no saint who isn't a sinner. In fact you can't even be a good saint without your own share of wrong doings. Be as good as you possibly can but don't expect life to proceed like an episode of the Teletubbies. Know when to flick the Black Button and turn on the Yin. 

I leave you with that ancient Amazonian saying:
"The trees do not know the Pitcher eats the fly, although they live under the same patch of sky."

SHOW ME THE FUNNY

Humor has, since time immemorial held an important place in culture and human society. Most cultures around the world can be stereotyped on the basis of what they find funny. For example, the British are known for their ironic sense of humor, the Americans for their satirical ways and the Chinese for being comically handicapped. Thinking along the same lines, I hypothesize that an individual's sense of humor is one of the clearest reflections of his/her personality. Being funny is serious business and what you find funny and your ability to be funny can indeed say a lot about the kind of person you are. 

To study humor, that is to break it down into its components and try and qualitatively describe what makes something funny, is the equivalent of dissecting a frog and expecting it to still be able to croak. The beauty of a joke lies in deciphering it. Anything and everything can be funny, provided you look at it from the right (or wrong) angle. This could be a reason why EVERYONE cannot get along together, for different people have different opinions of the world around them. That said, I strongly believe that finding the lighter side of things is one of the best ways to get along with this bitch we know as life. To reiterate my point, below are two situations that I'm sure we all come across which could be made easier simply by thinking from a different perspective or doing something so ridiculously out of place that you giggle on the inside. I've also taken the liberty of suggesting possible methods to do just that (evil LOL): 

1. Getting Dumped: This can be a particularly tumultuous time for most of us. However, one can turn the table and thereby have the last laugh by doing something so shockingly unexpected that it causes the other person to wonder what the IPL just happened. 
For instance, once you've been let go and the classic "it's not you, it's me" delivered, pause for a moment, with shock on your face (this should easy, given this reaction will be involuntary), get a grip on yourself and say "High five!" a la Borat. At this point, your (now) ex will be stumped or furious or both. Then, deliver your fatality by giving him/her a tight hug and get more ecstatic than a fat person who just saw chocolate cake. You then go and express this new found happiness to everyone around you at the time by hugging, kissing them, leaving your ex contemplating murder and or suicide and thereby putting him/her in his/her place. 

2. Extremely Irritating People: Some of you might have the inborn ability to make others want to blow their brains out just so that they can distract themselves from your incessant blabbering. If you are one of these people, I salute you. What you have is truly a gift.
But for the poor souls who have to bear such infuriating personalities, I suggest one of the following: 
a) Burst out laughing in the middle of its sentence and don't stop till it leaves. 
b) Doze off.
c) Act like you're EXTREMELY interested in what it's saying. Given these "people" are irritating, they are likely to be used to people not paying attention to them. You, acting like you belong to the other end of the spectrum, should be able to throw them off, leaving them uncomfortable, at a loss of ideas and utterly flabbergasted. The better your acting and apparent curiosity, higher are the chances of success. 
d) Slap yourself at regular intervals during the conversation. If the irritant asks you why (and trust me, it will) tell it you're trying to keep yourself awake. 
e) Excuse yourself to the washroom and leave the building. 
I also suggest using a combination of the above techniques if the irritant is particularly persistent. 

Sense of humor can also go a long way in determining the compatibility of two individuals in a relationship. There's nothing like screaming out profanities in public, playing pranks or picking on someone, making funny sounds or making people around you comfortable with your loved one. If you can make each other laugh, you're A-OK!
If you can make your partner laugh but he/she doesn't seem intellectually, creatively or childishly creative enough to return the favor, chances are you're enjoying the attention. But be warned, you will get tired after a while and you'll realize that you may be wasting your time. When that happens, be sure to come up with a good response to example 1, given the remote possibility that your partner has read this article and he/she has the literal and/or figurative balls required to pull it off.
If your partner is the funnier of the two, you might want to be encouraging as far as his/her attempts to make you laugh go. True, he/she may not always be funny but moral support goes a long way in making people feel good about themselves...if you're into that kind of thing. 

In a nutshell, the point I'm trying to make is that life is weird and "the funny" is all around you. You just need to look for it. If you can't find it, look harder. If you still can't find it, get a life...or a really cute dog. 

WHAT THE MOVIES TAUGHT US - PART 1

Movies have, to put it mildly, always been an integral part of my existence. To me, they're more than just entertainment. Truth be told, most of what I am, has been put together by picking out bits I like out of characters from my favorite movies. And boy, am I proud of my work. "Donkey's praise" aside, I'm a firm believer of the fact that MOST movies have in them some lesson, be it good or bad, that we can take back from them. The following is my attempt to highlight what I think the makers were trying to tell us:


Jaws: Steven Spielberg's thriller, which made an entire generation scared to go out to the beach, drunk or otherwise, not only was a true masterclass when it came to making a blood-thirsty predator likable and its hunt poetically beautiful, but was also a true fable in itself. A story of a poor, lonely, hungry fish who happened to eat the wrong people at the wrong time.
Our protagonist, the fishie, who later came to be known by the title of the film itself (imagine that...being christened Jaws for all his troubles), let his hunger get the best of him, only to have everything he's ever eaten (along with the rest of him) blown to smithereens by a really pissed off police sheriff. Which only goes to show that gluttony never goes unpunished at vacation spots.


Lord of the Rings Trilogy: Widely regarded as "one of the most epic mot*********g cinematic experiences of all time", LOTR paved the way for all grand scale movie productions to come. It was filled with moments that made one realize how inconsequential and pathetically boring one's life really is, for nothing serves up an epiphany the way disgusting, steroid filled Orcs struggling to make coherent sentences, gigantic Oliphants trampling over anything and everything in its path, a flaming eye that "talks", a wizard who proved age is no barrier but size does matter and a ring that's so powerful that Hitler would consider it the only thing in the universe worth engaging in coitus with.
The obvious triumph of good over evil aside, LOTR taught us that the thin line between bro and homo may be subject to fading under adverse circumstances.


Saw: Not many movies justify unjustifiable violence and gore the way Saw does and therein lies its beauty. The story of a dying man taking out his chemo pains on a bunch of dead-beats, cheats, liars, con-men and other decent, hardworking folk is truly heart wrenching to say the least.
Moral of the story? Taking away peoples' body parts is really fun if you're dying of cancer AND smoking a ton of medical green.


Avatar: It is said that James Cameron was in a coma, induced by an overdose of Psilocybin...for a long time and when he woke up, he brought back from the darkest corners of his mind, an idea for a movie which would go on to become the cinematic equivalent of (a 12 piece chicken bucket, large coleslaw, large fries and a 2 litre Pepsi) raised to the power of 3D! A movie so grand that it was pulled out of cinemas earlier than the scheduled date due to concerns from the scientific community that it would alter the very fragment of reality as we know it.
Avatar proved that tree hugging can be cool, as long as the said tree isn't sitting on top of a large reserve of a precious natural resource. It also cemented facts such as bows and arrows are useless against aircraft armed with heat seeking missiles, connectivity is key, sleep is for sissies and there's no bird that can't be tamed (men to take note).


Die Hard Series: In this action masterpiece, Bruce Willis showed us how to tackle hostage situations and unforeseen  EXTREME scenarios. The franchise has produced some of the most memorable baddies in the last two decades and arguably THE most bad-ass catch phrase in movie history. John Mcclane, the man who carved a niche for himself when it came to "wrong place, wrong time" was largely responsible for bringing inner-wear to the forefront of fashion, for in his "baniyan", he really looked like a man one does not mess with and not some overgrown onion, fit into a brazier. Personally, Die Hard introduced me to the truly amazing world of action movies and left a lasting impression as to how action should be captured on film.
The series taught us that karma can be a real bitch and no matter how sophisticated your weapon of choice, no matter how old our hero gets, getting a clean shot at John Mcclane is harder that getting a clean shot at John Mcclane with his shirt on. Yippi-ka-yay, mo*********r!


The Twilight "Saga": Abs don't always help and a woman's menstrual cycle can sometimes get indefinitely paused at the wrong time. Period (pun intended).


To be continued....

WHAT'S IN A SMILE?

Only 20 percent of communication is vocal. Fact is, you're actually giving off a lot of information without uttering a word. That said, the "smile" is a facial expression formed by raising the Zygomatic Major Muscle near the ends of the mouth and (only if you really mean it) the Orbicularis Oculi Muscle. However simple this action might appear anatomically, it  has the widest implications and can hide meanings and/or motives so deep that Aishwarya Rai could take a bath in it (for my slower readers, I refer here to her current, larger avatar and not the slim and sexy one we....remember). Herein lies the beauty of this simple yet powerful device.
If one is observant one realizes that there is actually a wide variety of smiles. I on the other hand am not only observant but also happen to be craving for something to keep my mind from rotting and therefore I have, after much reflection (I did honestly spend a substantial amount of time in front of the mirror, just smiling), broadly classified them as follows:

1) "The When You're Happy and You Know It": This happens to be the purest form of smiling out there. When  you smile in this fashion, you are screaming "I'm gay!" to the world around you (gay = fancy for happy...shoot me). It needs no explanation, no foot-note and has no sinister motive.
Example: The smile you find on the face of a guy who just had sex.

2) "The I Peed In The Pool": This type of smiling is usually employed to hide an action you have just performed which may be construed as inappropriate and hence cause you shame and embarrassment.
Example: The smile on the guy who went unnoticed, letting one rip in public.

3) "The Excellent..." : "The Excellent" is normally employed when you have successfully devised an evil scheme but have not yet executed it. It is sometimes accompanied by the mouthing of the word "excellent" in a low tone, hence the name.
Example: The smile on the ice-cream guy before you make your order.

4) "The Evil": Generally follows "The Excellent" and can also be followed by an "Evil LOL". But I warn you, if wrongly executed this variety may lead to an expression known in some circles are "The Constipated", follow that up with an "Evil LOL" and you get "The Cum-Face".
Example: The smile on the ice-cream guy as he gets your ice-cream.

5) "The Pedo": This expression, although rarely used is one that is a warning of immediate danger (to you that is). If you notice anyone smiling in this manner, call the police at the earliest...or just grow up really really fast.
Example: The smile on the ice-cream guy as he holds your hand for just a few seconds longer than he should whilst passing the change.

6) "The Shy Is Coming": Usually observed on men and (occasionally) women in the presence of someone they are attracted to. The blood vessels in the cheeks of some specimens dilate while smiling in this manner-commonly known as "blushing" or "The Teenagegirlwhojustsawjustinbieberonmtv Syndrome".
Example: The smile on your face when a pretty girl asks you for directions (pray it isn't to the restroom).

7) "The Iffy": The smile that automatically gets plastered on your face as when you are in a state of uncertainty. It is can be followed by either "The When You're Happy and You Know It" or by  "The I Peed In The Pool" depending on the aftermath of the event about which you were uncertain just a moment ago.
Example: The smile on the insecure girl, staring at her reflection in a restroom filled with people, directions to which she got from you (refer point 6).

8) "The I Hate You Like I Love You": This is one reserved for the more opaque. It is employed to hide one's feeling of dislike towards another person (say, "two") by faking a "The When You're Happy and You Know It" in order to appear nice so as not hurt "two's" sentiments or conventionally, in order to fulfill a hidden agenda (yes, "one" can be a real &*!@#$% sometimes).


That brings me to the end of my thesis. I sincerely hope this has been an interesting read and not an utter waste of your time (like typing all this crap down was for me). I leave you for now, with but one last thought:
Smiles, dear people, are like jewels-hard to come by and you can't say the difference between genuine and fake. Unless of course, you know what to look for.

Keep Smiling

P.S. To those of you who tried out the example stated in point 4, I salute you!

"COME ON BABY LIGHT MY FIRE" - AN ODE TO A LOST LOVE

To begin with, my sincerest apologies to all my followers (I have all of...one) for my leave of absence. What can I say...education got in the way. But I'm back and God knows I'm missing my pack of tens.

A great man once said, "it's better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all." That great man, contrary to popular belief was not Oprah. The following is my confession-of a love deep, strong, intimate and hot...of a love that I have lost.

I remember, like it was just yesterday the first time I laid eyes upon her. She was 70mm tall, smoking hot and was oh so tempting. We had our first kiss on the 24th of February and that was the start of the most torrid love affair of my life. Like Fergie said, I was addicted and I just couldn't get enough.

Every moment I was away from her, I yearned to be with her and at the end of the day, she was always there to take me into her heart with her warm embrace. I used to wake to her, share my meals with her, go out to town with her...even take a dump with her. She was never the overbearing type. She was even open to us experimenting. Hell, sometimes she even let her friends join us during our personal time. She was perfect *sigh*

But my parents became concerned about the intensity of my attachment. Their concern soon turned to fear and that's when I made my decision-I had to extinguish the burning ember that was our love.

It's been one month, and fifteen days since I last held her and the signs are showing. My temper keeps flaring up, my patience is wearing thin and I've developed a despicable tendency to binge. I am on the edge. My friends never miss a chance to comfort me. But the sight of them with their lovers is like a breeze that knocks down the house of cards that is my sanity; it opens up the floodgates, letting the memories flow in.

As much as it pains me to accept it, I have to make my peace for I know there are other equally addictive but perhaps less harmful fish in the sea.

I know not where you are. I know not what has become of you. But I know I still love you and I miss the way you used to fill me up with warmth and almost always got my head spinning.

You may be known to the world by a number of names. But to me, you are and always will be the queen of my nights, my dear, my Lights.

THE DEATH OF SARCASM

Wikipedia defines sarcasm as “a sharp, bitter, or cutting expression or remark; a bitter jibe or taunt.” 
How charming (this may be seen as a funny use of sarcasm). Gone are the days when sarcasm was considered an irreplaceable tool in one's arsenal of banter. Gone are the days when sarcasm was thought of as a quality, indicative of a man of wit. Gone are the days when cheap mimicry was not the most laughed at form of insulting someone. Gone are the days...well you get the picture.

As a rampant user of this wonderful device, I have to admit that fun as it may be to pass such unruly remarks upon our fellow men, one also needs to take into consideration the possibility of people simply not being smart enough to acknowledge one's sly remark. Some might consider this a blessing in disguise, but not most. Most of the Chandler Bings or Alan Shores out there want validation of their prowess-the ability to poke fun at someone whilst feeling good about it. But even this much awaited validation normally comes in the form of dirty looks, snorts, "hmphs" or my personal favorite- "&%#$ off".

After much contemplation, I have come to the conclusion that the disrespect for this lost art-form comes stems from people's inability to truly appreciate the effort that needs to be put in to making a sarcastic remark. It's either that, or them being genuinely offended. Each one of us is entitled to his/her own opinion but I implore you to give this extraordinary tool a try before shunning it like it was a Britney Spears' single. You will NOT be disappointed, for if pulled off properly, the vindictive pleasure you shall derive is almost too beautiful to be put in words. But if I absolutely HAVE to, it comes closest to the pure, innocent joy of letting one loose in a public place (use of sarcasm would've helped avoid this cheap joke).


For the sake of decency, for the sake of verbal jousting, for the sake of being taken half seriously on my first (questionably pointless) blog, I pray that you will take it upon yourself to revisit all the sugar-coated, chocolaty, non-fat goodness that is sarcasm.


In conclusion, I quote a great man who once said  "sarcasm is like pimple-it looks bad on you but shows others you're getting somewhere."
(Yes, I just made that up and no, it does not make any sense to me whilst I am sober).