WHAT'S IN A SMILE?

Only 20 percent of communication is vocal. Fact is, you're actually giving off a lot of information without uttering a word. That said, the "smile" is a facial expression formed by raising the Zygomatic Major Muscle near the ends of the mouth and (only if you really mean it) the Orbicularis Oculi Muscle. However simple this action might appear anatomically, it  has the widest implications and can hide meanings and/or motives so deep that Aishwarya Rai could take a bath in it (for my slower readers, I refer here to her current, larger avatar and not the slim and sexy one we....remember). Herein lies the beauty of this simple yet powerful device.
If one is observant one realizes that there is actually a wide variety of smiles. I on the other hand am not only observant but also happen to be craving for something to keep my mind from rotting and therefore I have, after much reflection (I did honestly spend a substantial amount of time in front of the mirror, just smiling), broadly classified them as follows:

1) "The When You're Happy and You Know It": This happens to be the purest form of smiling out there. When  you smile in this fashion, you are screaming "I'm gay!" to the world around you (gay = fancy for happy...shoot me). It needs no explanation, no foot-note and has no sinister motive.
Example: The smile you find on the face of a guy who just had sex.

2) "The I Peed In The Pool": This type of smiling is usually employed to hide an action you have just performed which may be construed as inappropriate and hence cause you shame and embarrassment.
Example: The smile on the guy who went unnoticed, letting one rip in public.

3) "The Excellent..." : "The Excellent" is normally employed when you have successfully devised an evil scheme but have not yet executed it. It is sometimes accompanied by the mouthing of the word "excellent" in a low tone, hence the name.
Example: The smile on the ice-cream guy before you make your order.

4) "The Evil": Generally follows "The Excellent" and can also be followed by an "Evil LOL". But I warn you, if wrongly executed this variety may lead to an expression known in some circles are "The Constipated", follow that up with an "Evil LOL" and you get "The Cum-Face".
Example: The smile on the ice-cream guy as he gets your ice-cream.

5) "The Pedo": This expression, although rarely used is one that is a warning of immediate danger (to you that is). If you notice anyone smiling in this manner, call the police at the earliest...or just grow up really really fast.
Example: The smile on the ice-cream guy as he holds your hand for just a few seconds longer than he should whilst passing the change.

6) "The Shy Is Coming": Usually observed on men and (occasionally) women in the presence of someone they are attracted to. The blood vessels in the cheeks of some specimens dilate while smiling in this manner-commonly known as "blushing" or "The Teenagegirlwhojustsawjustinbieberonmtv Syndrome".
Example: The smile on your face when a pretty girl asks you for directions (pray it isn't to the restroom).

7) "The Iffy": The smile that automatically gets plastered on your face as when you are in a state of uncertainty. It is can be followed by either "The When You're Happy and You Know It" or by  "The I Peed In The Pool" depending on the aftermath of the event about which you were uncertain just a moment ago.
Example: The smile on the insecure girl, staring at her reflection in a restroom filled with people, directions to which she got from you (refer point 6).

8) "The I Hate You Like I Love You": This is one reserved for the more opaque. It is employed to hide one's feeling of dislike towards another person (say, "two") by faking a "The When You're Happy and You Know It" in order to appear nice so as not hurt "two's" sentiments or conventionally, in order to fulfill a hidden agenda (yes, "one" can be a real &*!@#$% sometimes).


That brings me to the end of my thesis. I sincerely hope this has been an interesting read and not an utter waste of your time (like typing all this crap down was for me). I leave you for now, with but one last thought:
Smiles, dear people, are like jewels-hard to come by and you can't say the difference between genuine and fake. Unless of course, you know what to look for.

Keep Smiling

P.S. To those of you who tried out the example stated in point 4, I salute you!

"COME ON BABY LIGHT MY FIRE" - AN ODE TO A LOST LOVE

To begin with, my sincerest apologies to all my followers (I have all of...one) for my leave of absence. What can I say...education got in the way. But I'm back and God knows I'm missing my pack of tens.

A great man once said, "it's better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all." That great man, contrary to popular belief was not Oprah. The following is my confession-of a love deep, strong, intimate and hot...of a love that I have lost.

I remember, like it was just yesterday the first time I laid eyes upon her. She was 70mm tall, smoking hot and was oh so tempting. We had our first kiss on the 24th of February and that was the start of the most torrid love affair of my life. Like Fergie said, I was addicted and I just couldn't get enough.

Every moment I was away from her, I yearned to be with her and at the end of the day, she was always there to take me into her heart with her warm embrace. I used to wake to her, share my meals with her, go out to town with her...even take a dump with her. She was never the overbearing type. She was even open to us experimenting. Hell, sometimes she even let her friends join us during our personal time. She was perfect *sigh*

But my parents became concerned about the intensity of my attachment. Their concern soon turned to fear and that's when I made my decision-I had to extinguish the burning ember that was our love.

It's been one month, and fifteen days since I last held her and the signs are showing. My temper keeps flaring up, my patience is wearing thin and I've developed a despicable tendency to binge. I am on the edge. My friends never miss a chance to comfort me. But the sight of them with their lovers is like a breeze that knocks down the house of cards that is my sanity; it opens up the floodgates, letting the memories flow in.

As much as it pains me to accept it, I have to make my peace for I know there are other equally addictive but perhaps less harmful fish in the sea.

I know not where you are. I know not what has become of you. But I know I still love you and I miss the way you used to fill me up with warmth and almost always got my head spinning.

You may be known to the world by a number of names. But to me, you are and always will be the queen of my nights, my dear, my Lights.

THE DEATH OF SARCASM

Wikipedia defines sarcasm as “a sharp, bitter, or cutting expression or remark; a bitter jibe or taunt.” 
How charming (this may be seen as a funny use of sarcasm). Gone are the days when sarcasm was considered an irreplaceable tool in one's arsenal of banter. Gone are the days when sarcasm was thought of as a quality, indicative of a man of wit. Gone are the days when cheap mimicry was not the most laughed at form of insulting someone. Gone are the days...well you get the picture.

As a rampant user of this wonderful device, I have to admit that fun as it may be to pass such unruly remarks upon our fellow men, one also needs to take into consideration the possibility of people simply not being smart enough to acknowledge one's sly remark. Some might consider this a blessing in disguise, but not most. Most of the Chandler Bings or Alan Shores out there want validation of their prowess-the ability to poke fun at someone whilst feeling good about it. But even this much awaited validation normally comes in the form of dirty looks, snorts, "hmphs" or my personal favorite- "&%#$ off".

After much contemplation, I have come to the conclusion that the disrespect for this lost art-form comes stems from people's inability to truly appreciate the effort that needs to be put in to making a sarcastic remark. It's either that, or them being genuinely offended. Each one of us is entitled to his/her own opinion but I implore you to give this extraordinary tool a try before shunning it like it was a Britney Spears' single. You will NOT be disappointed, for if pulled off properly, the vindictive pleasure you shall derive is almost too beautiful to be put in words. But if I absolutely HAVE to, it comes closest to the pure, innocent joy of letting one loose in a public place (use of sarcasm would've helped avoid this cheap joke).


For the sake of decency, for the sake of verbal jousting, for the sake of being taken half seriously on my first (questionably pointless) blog, I pray that you will take it upon yourself to revisit all the sugar-coated, chocolaty, non-fat goodness that is sarcasm.


In conclusion, I quote a great man who once said  "sarcasm is like pimple-it looks bad on you but shows others you're getting somewhere."
(Yes, I just made that up and no, it does not make any sense to me whilst I am sober).